I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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