I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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