Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
