see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
