hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
