I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
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