why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize