I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
