I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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