how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
