I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
