speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
