BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
