Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
