I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
