Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
