I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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