Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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