Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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