Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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