shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I licked your asshole in confidence.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
