Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
