It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
