I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
