I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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