Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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