It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
