Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize