either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize