Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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