Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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