I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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