Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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