I CAN MOONWALK!
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
