I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
