Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
