Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
