Tell her she can't have a vagina
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
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