Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
