Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
