she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
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