either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
