I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
