I just threw up on my dentist
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
