Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize