all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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