i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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