Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
