i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
