did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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