im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
