i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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