so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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