I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
