I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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