if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
