Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
