life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
