Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
